|The Philosophy||The Tools||Humor||When your computer crashes.....|
Now that you have learned how to access the internet it is time to consider
to incorporate the Internet into your daily life. To a certain degree you will have
to base your internet life upon your personal goals and objectives. You will also
want to practice and develop your skills by using the tools and the various dimensions
of the internet. You may also wish to explore strategies for using the world wide
web and the construction of web pages a bit further. (See the second course for this)
Here are a few goals and objectives you should consider along with strategies for implementation.
1. Work on the Internet is immediate. e.mail travels instantly.
Strategy: Modify your schedule so you can read and respond to e.mail several times a day- morning noon
and night. If you deal with international issues adjust the timetable accordingly. There is nothing worse than
forcing your use of e.mail into snail mail parameters. Even if you can only give a short response respond to
e.mail messages as soon as you can. Use the Internet at its top speed by staying in touch.
2. The Internet Changes Constantly-
Strategy: Programs, drivers, web pages are always changing so you must monitor those changes in an
organized way to profit most from the internet. On your calendar select a specific day of the month to
review the web pages associated with your major programs- web browser, word processor, favorite game, etc...
Go to their web page and look for updates. Perhaps you can do this every other month. You will know the correct interval by watching developments. Look into "what's new" pages to learn of new web pages.
Search under topics of interest using search engines.
3. My computer changes constantly...
Strategy: Back ups are not enough. Major web addresses and important e.mail addresses should be written down in a bound book of blank pages. You can take them with you and they will be preserved in the event of the electronic failings which occur from time to time. These should also be updated and checked regularly.
4.The Internet Peasant should be mobile and totally independent of any
given provider or computer hardware.
Strategy: No matter where you are you should find out where public terminals are located. Check with university libraries, local libraries, friends and business. No matter where you are you should know how
to access the internet. Find out local library policies in advance. Sometimes it is just a matter of applying for a users card which could be free or minimally expensive. You should also be prepared to work around the limitations of a library or public terminal set up. Collect the essential tool programs: ftp, text editor, telnet...
in both 32 and 16 bit forms and be ready to use them to get around limitations. You should also know how to use the non-graphical lynx browser and have a knowledge of some unix commands. You can make a guide to these on a card and take both unix and lynx commands with you. You should find out a list of free sailor dial ups for local county library systems and put them on a card as well.
5.The Internet Peasant should have a web presence.
Strategy: A web page is a good way to become mobile. When you configure web page links properly
you can be instantly in touch with jump off points. A link to sailor via the web is important. Utility web pages useful for downloading essential programs will also help. Sometimes you can instal a program downloaded by netscape when you do not have access to the floppy disk drive. Just be sure you uninstall any installed programs when you are done! Learn more about utilizing the Web in the second course.
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For your word processor go to options then to general preferences then to apps and then select the slot for view source. Note any settings there so you can set it back when done. Browse the a drive to find the .exe file of the word processor. (be sure to have your word processor program in the a drive). Click ok and then every time windows is asked to view source (top menu bar view and then select view source) it will open the word processor and you can edit and save files. If you dont want to edit the particular html file selected select edit then select all then cut and it will be removed and you can type or paste in another file. If you have your file to be worked on on the floppy with the word processor you can have the word processor open it. When you go to save your file save it in the temp directory of the hard drive or another directory if there is no temp. Remember where it has been saved! So you can remove it when you are done.
For the telnet program place the telnet disk into the a drive after
you have completed your editing with
the word processor. Go to the main tool bar of netscape select options, then general preferences and then apps. Record the information- address in the slot (you will have to replace this when you are done) and browse the a drive next to the telnet app slot. Your ftp program will load each time you enter
telnet: into the netscape window and hit enter.
You can find out if your terminal re-sets and removes your netscape
settings by shutting down netscape
and opening it up again. Check the preference windows. If everything is restored you are done. If not
you must remove what you have put in and put the original settings back. Remove what you have done
when you are finished is the best guide if possible.
I have provided links to a few essential web page (html) programs to
assist with images and construction.
Click here for html tools.
Text Editor: This is essential for working on web page construction.
Most libraries do not provide text editors.
If you want to work on one of your web pages go to it in the browser then save it to disk- (bring an extra disk or two) or save it to somewhere on the hard drive of the library computer. Then open your text editor and open the html file in it and edit and save. Then use the ftp program to upload your file to your server or use your server's utility (like in geocities) to upload it. If the computer will not accept the cookies required then use your FTP program. Ultra edit is available in two versions 16-32 get it without the dictionary to save on space.
Put one version on each disk then install to floppy disk. http://www.ultraedit.com/downloads/index.html
click here to go to download ultra edit (shareware)
FTP Program: We have already mentioned the excellent WSFTP program
download it. You can
also open the ftp program by going to netscape and changing the preferences to make it a client program
more later on this watch this space. Ftp is useful if the computer system does not accept cookies. You can then manually ftp files from place to place. It also saves time as you do not have to go through the on screen web pages to use your provider to upload. Once you have downloaded the program install to the floppy disk.
Telnet: Many public terminals do not have telnet. This program
is essential for accessing the freenet. Remember however, that perhaps
netscape simply does not know where the telnet client program is. You may
simply have to change the preferences. Telnet may be loaded and if it is
it should be found in the windows directory. You can download a Telnet
Client: Trumptel for free from: http://www.ganggang.com.au/categories/archie.htm
Once you download the program install to floppy disk.
Web Page Editor: If you know what you are doing you can use a
text editor to edit your pages. If your public terminal has netscape communicator
you can open up composer which is a great editor if not you will need a
web page editor which fits on a floppy disk. I have not yet found one but perhaps this will happen soon
---watch this space.
What else should you have? Paper for one thing. Many college libraries
have great printers but you
need to bring the paper. Do no underestimate the ability of library systems to do printing. My local
branch will provide the paper for free! You should also bring your bound book of information and codes.
Never forget to write down procedures and passwords.
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Seattle Film Works:http://www.filmworks.com
This company is just one of many which will place your photos on disk. You should also check
local photo processors as many are also providing this service. Additionally some printing companies
can now scan photos to disk for you. Watch out for the price. If you do a lot of photos for the internet
a scanner may be a better buy in the long haul. But to get you started here is one place to go.
Animated Image Construction
It's easy to make animated images. Be careful because they get to be large files and can hold up
the loading of a page but you should consider making and using them for great artistic effects.
On line Banner maker- http://www.mediabuilder.com/abm.html
Gif Construction Kit: http://www.mindworkshop.com/alchemy/alchemy.html
Image Maps: http://raq002.aa.net/mapedit/
Source for free images and information about animation: http://members.aol.com/royalef/galframe.htm
Sources for Images
Lines and dividers: http://www.cit.gu.edu.au/images/FancyLines/
Huge source of free images:http://www.barrysclipart.com/
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by John Edwards
Dr Computer knows all about computers. Ask him a question. (Go ahead, we dare you.)
Dear Dr Computer: My PC's floppy disk drive won't work. I cleaned it,
checked the connections and even
gave it a few hearty swipes with a ball-peen hammer -- nada. Have I overlooked anything?
Answer: Have you checked the drive's needle (stylus)? Many floppy disk
drive owners neglect to replace the
needle (stylus) every 18 months or 18,000 miles (whichever comes first). Check with your local computer
superstore for details. Be sure to wear your hiking boots, since you'll have to scale "Mt. Remaindered
Computer Books" to reach the service desk. Bring along your drive's old needle (stylus) for reference and a
good hearty laugh.
Dear Dr Computer: My CD-ROM disc lost all of its data. What's wrong?
Answer: You inadvertently bought a CD-RAM disc, commonly sold by unscrupulous
software dealers, illicit
video arcade managers and Members of Congress. Try reentering all of the data and keep the drive's power
switch in the "on" position.
Dear Dr Computer: I've developed a new disk utility program called "FORMAT
C: Yes, Yes, Yes!" Some users
are complaining about not being able to run this program from the DOS command line, and a few are griping
about a so-called serious "bug" in the program. Is there anything I can do?
Answer: Indeed, market the program as shareware.
Dear Dr Computer: Since connecting a 15-inch color monitor to my 386SX-based
PC, I can no longer access
the Macintosh desktop. What's wrong?
Answer: You need an Amiga to access the Macintosh desktop.
Dear Dr Computer: What's the difference between a video game and a computer game?
Answer: About 6 years of education .
Dear Dr Computer: My car dealer tells me that my new car comes with
an "on-board computer." What
software should I buy for it?
Answer: QuickTime -- but use it sensibly. (Alive at 55! Let's get it
together -- buckle up! Officer: "I've never
had to unbuckle a deceased computer user, except perhaps a guy holding an Amiga, but it was hard to tell.")
Dear Dr Computer: My PC just told me, in a voice that sounded very much
like the late actor Sterling Hayden,
that it is the conduit for "The Ultimate Master of the Universe." Now what? P.S. My PC doesn't have a sound
Answer: I'm undecided. You should visit either the Science Fiction and
Fantasy Forum (GO SCIFI) or the New
Age Forum (GO NEWAGE) -- depending on how serious your PC sounds. To learn more about the late actor
Sterling Hayden, visit the ShowBiz Forum (GO SHOWBIZ) and talk to some of the members with cable TV and
very bloodshot eyes. You may also want to pop into several of the Macintosh forums and taunt the members
about how *their* computer isn't, and never will be, the conduit for The Ultimate Master of the Universe.
Dear Dr Computer: I forgot.
Answer: You need a Personal Digital Assistant (PDA).
Posted on Rec.Humor By: Chris Rolleston (firstname.lastname@example.org)
Our fileserver, who art on LAN
NETSERVER be thy name
Thy programmes come
Thy commands be done
In DOS, and sometimes in WINDOWS
Give us this day our daily login
And forgive us our hacking
As we forgive those who hack in our files
Lead us not into corrupt procedures
But deliver our email
For thine is the CPU, the powersource and the monitor
For ever until obsolescence
10. When filling out your driver's license application you give your IP address.
9. You no longer ask prospective dates what their sign is, instead your line is "Hi, what's your URL?"
8. Instead of calling you to dinner, your spouse sends e-mail.
7. You're amazed to find out spam is a food.
6. You "ping" people to see if they're awake, "finger" them to find
out how they are, and "AYT" them to make
sure they're listening to you.
5. You search the Net endlessly hoping to win every silly free T-shirt contest.
4. You introduce your wife as "my email@example.com" and refer to your children as "client applications".
3. At social functions you introduce your husband as "my domain server".
2. After winning the office super bowl pool you blurt out, "I feel so "colon-right parentheses!"
And the number one sign you are an Internet Geek:
1. Two Words: "Pizza's Here!"
Software Licence Agreement
Important: This is important. It cost us a
heap of cash to have it written, and you'd better read it, or
else. Read it right now too, arsehole, or you'll be sorry. Especially DON'T just rip the flap open without
paying any attention to this very important message. We'll know if you do! You'll grow warts.
Licence: This Licence Agreement has capital letters, and is effective upon your removal or breaking of
the disclaimer seal on the Program Diskettes, or a fingernail, whichever is earlier. It shall continue until
terminated, as indicated by it's placement in a receptacle considered by at least one party to be a waste
Agreement: You acknowledge and agree that we have far too many lawyers, and that you will not
consider, perform or aid actions that grant any lawyers purpose in their existance.
Licence Fees: The licence fees unpaid by you are in consideration of your continued solvency. But it
doesn't matter, because soon we'll know what you have, and just deduct the fees from your bank
account. Please run the included easy to use networking software and log onto our server for further
details. The first thirty minutes are free.
Copyright: This software is ours, all ours. You just paid hundreds of dollars for the blank diskettes and
this excellent paper bag. You agree to think yourself lucky that we'll generously let you make one
backup copy, and actually run our precious code on your lousy computer. There are no bugs in this
perfect code, so don't pester us with your stupid misunderstandings and pathetic complaints.
Costs of Litigation: These are to be taken as an indication of the extreme folly of all parties'
over dependence on legal contrivances.
Government Licensee: Hi Senator. Don't forget who helped you out. Any other problems, just call us.
Language Software: If this is one of our language products (how should we know) then you agree to
have our copyright message plastered all through your object code. Don't expect us to tell you how to
Additional Restrictions: See all those uniformed thugs over there? Good. So don't get any funny ideas
now. You don't want to make us angry, do you? See you next upgrade.
Limited Liability: This software is provided "as is", whatever that is. You understand it's very
complicated, far beyond your comprehension, so how should we know what will happen when you use
it wrong. There may even be some risk involved, but that's your problem. Why, even we have trouble
with it on bad days.
Governing Law: This License Agreement shall be construed and governed in accordance with the laws
of the State of Inebriation.
#1: So I was talking to this guy, and I'd been on the phone about 20
minutes, and we were getting nowhere.
Nothing was working. I finally asked him, "John, do you by any chance have Windows?"
"Sure," he said. "There's one right here over my desk. Do you think THAT'S the problem?"
#2: This nice lady and I were trying to figure why the 5.25-inch floppy
disk drive on her new PC wasn't reading
disks. She was new to PC's, new to disks, new to the idea of phone support.
She had been trying to set up WordPerfect on the machine's hard drive,
and she couldn't get it to read ANY of
the disks in the package. It was maybe her third call to us. So I finally said, "Look, let's just go back to square
one and start over from the very beginning. Now, take the first disk out of the sleeve and put it in the drive."
"I've already done that," she said, kind of peevishly. "I trimmed right
inside the edge of that black sleeve and
took this little floppy thing out, but you know, it's really hard to get it stiff enough to slide into the drive."
#3: We don't usually do software support, but he'd gotten Works as a
bundle with our machine, so we had to
help him get started. But everything he tried failed; the floppy disk drive just wouldn't read the Install disk. I
figured he must have a bad disk, but he insisted it worked fine on another PC he'd tried, so he didn't think
Microsoft was going to replace his program disks.
So I asked him to send me a copy of the disks, so I could see if I could
read it on a machine here. He said he'd
send it by FedEx, so we could solve this fast.
The next day, I get this FedEx overnight envelope from him, and when
I opened it, a piece of paper with a black
square on it fell out. He'd put the disk on his Xerox machine and made a paper copy of the disk.
#4: This guy's system came up okay, but he kept saying he was getting
a black screen. I couldn't tell whether
he meant a BLANK screen--which at least meant the hardware was working--or a truly black screen, like the
monitor wasn't coming on.
So I finally asked him to make sure the monitor was plugged in. He said
it was: The cable ran right from the
back of the monitor to that funny jack on the back of the CPU.
"And the power cable?" I asked.
"What power cable?" he said. "You mean I have to plug this thing into the wall, too?"
#5: The sales support people had passed this woman on to me. She'd called
in to see if there was any way she
could add three or four more floppy disk drives to her new PC, because she was running out of storage space.
I told her there were technical problems with that, and space problems,
too: There just wasn't enough room
inside that chassis for more than two half-heights, plus the full-height hard drive my screen showed we'd
installed in her machine when we shipped it.
"Well, I've got to do something," she said. "Every night before I go
home, I copy all the files from my hard
drive onto floppy disks, and I've got more files now than I can get onto one floppy."
I complemented her on her attention to back-up procedures, but I suggested
she really didn't need to be quite
that careful: hard drives are pretty reliable these days.
"But what's going to happen to those files when I turn the PC off?"
she said. "Don't those files I copy onto the
hard drive every morning go away when I turn the power off?"
1. Your stationery is more cluttered than Warren Beatty's address book.
The letterhead lists a fax number,
e-mail addresses for two on-line services, and your Internet address, which spreads acrossthe breadth of the
letterhead and continues to the back. In essence, you have conceded that the first page of any letter you write
2. You have never sat through an entire movie without having at least one device on your body beep or buzz.
3. You need to fill out a form that must be typewritten, but you can't
because there isn't one typewriter in your
house -- only computers with laser printers.
4. You think of the gadgets in your office as "friends," but you forget to send your father a birthday card.
5. You disdain people who use low baud rates.
6. When you go into a computer store, you eavesdrop on a salesperson
talking with customers -- and you butt
in to correct him and spend the next twenty minutes answering the customers' questions, while the
salesperson stands by silently, nodding his head.
7. You use the phrase "digital compression" in a conversation without
thinking how strange your mouth feels
when you say it.
8. You constantly find yourself in groups of people to whom you say
the phrase "digital compression."
Everyone understands what you mean, and you are not surprised or disappointed that you don't have to
9. You know Bill Gates' e-mail address, but you have to look up your own social security number.
10. You stop saying "phone number" and replace it with "voice number,"
since we all know the majority of
phone lines in any house are plugged into contraptions that talk to other contraptions.
11. You sign Christmas cards by putting :-) next to your signature.
12. Off the top of your head, you can think
of nineteen keystroke symbols that are far more clever than :-).
13. You back up your data every day.
14. Your wife asks you to pick up some minipads for her at the store and you return with a rest for your mouse.
15. You think jokes about being unable to program a VCR are stupid.
16. On vacation, you are reading a computer manual and turning the pages
faster than everyone else who is
reading John Grisham novels.
17. The thought that a CD could refer to finance or music rarely enters your mind.
18. You are able to argue persuasively the Ross Perot's phrase "electronic
town hall" makes more sense than
the term "information superhighway," but you don't because, after all, the man still uses hand-drawn pie
19. You go to computer trade shows and map out your path of the exhibit
hall in advance. But you cannot give
someone directions to your house without looking up the street names.
20. You would rather get more dots per inch than miles per gallon.
21. You become upset when a person calls you on the phone to sell you
something, but you think it's okay for
a computer to call and demand that you start pushing buttons on your telephone to receive more information
about the product it is selling.
22. You know without a doubt that disks come in five-and-a- quarter-and three-and-a-half-inch sizes.
23. Al Gore strikes you as an "intriguing" fellow.
24. You own a set of itty-bitty screw-drivers and you actually know where they are.
25. While contemporaries swap stories about their recent hernia surgeries,
you compare mouse-induced
index-finger strain with a nine-year-old.
26. You are so knowledgeable about technology that you feel secure enough
to say "I don't know" when
someone asks you a technology question instead of feeling compelled to make something up.
27. You rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires.
28. You have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal.
29. You have ended friendships because of irreconcilably different opinions
about which is better -- the track
ball or the track *pad*.
30. You understand all the jokes in this message. If so, my friend,
technology has taken over your life. We
suggest, for your own good, that you go lie under a tree and write a haiku. And don't use a laptop.
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When your computer is frozen up that is to say does not respond to anything you do it is important to take the following steps in the order that they are listed.:
1. Hit the enter key (return). Perhaps you have selected a task but
not asked that it be carried out.
2. Click again on the Icon or link . Try single then double click.
3. Wait......get something to eat...go to the bathroom. Maybe it needs time.
4. On a browser hit stop then enter the address again. Perhaps the page will enter after stop.
5. Clear the cache files- perhaps the machine is stopped up with files. (go to edit then preferences
in netscape- select advanced then cache then clear both cache files and hit ok) Then try to
get to the page.
6. Hit the escape key and wait a bit.
7. Utilize the 3 finger salute- ctrl key-alt key- delete key all at once. do this only once.
In some windows set ups you will see a list of programs running with some marked not responding
click on the ones not responding and hit end task. If this does not work or if this box does not
appear hit the three finger salute once again to re-boot the computer.
8. If none of the above works then shut the power off wait two minutes and turn it all on again.Note that in windows you must check your temp file for un removed temp files and remove them.
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Do not let your questions go un answered. If you can not find something you need contact
me right away. Remember- you need not have a computer to do the exercises and to fully
benefit from this course- check in with your local public library!