Guy Fawkes; The Ugly Mug And The Couple of Spoons. C. Burnand Esq,
First Produced at the Royal Strand Theater, December 22, 1866.
Midi Music The Guy Fawkes Prince of Sinisters song
A new and original Burlesque Guy Fawkes; Or, The Ugly Mug And The Couple of Spoons F. C. Burnand, Esq, (Original Transcription by Conrad and Mary Bladey Ó 2002) London Printed by the Strand Printing and Publishing Company (Limited), 404 Strand 1866. Entered at Stationers Hall First produced at the Royal Strand Theater, December 22, 1866. Under the Management of Mrs. Swanborough Dramatis Personae King James 1st ….. Mr. H. J Turner Lord Mounteagle … Miss Swanborough Lord Salisbury … Miss Brown Duke of Lennox … Miss Carr Earl of Marr … Miss Vere Sir Thomas Kuyvet … Miss Lee, Guy Fawkes … Mr James Catesby … Miss Raynham Percy … Miss Weathersby Tresham … Mr. Thorne Wright, Jun. … Miss Newton Wright sen … Mr. Collett Rookwood … Mr. Edge Sir Edward Digby Mr Fenton Winter … Mr. Fenton Lord Chamberlain Topcliffe … Miss Johnstone Alice … Miss Hughes Ellinor … Mr. Robson Guy Fawkes; Or The Ugly Mug, and the Couple of spoons. Scene I.- Percy’s House and Grounds on the Banks of the Thames. Arbour R.H. (Enter Tresham over the wall—he is very pale, and dressed in rags and tatters. Tresham knocks and rings, then calls in a whisper.) TRES. What ho! Within!(knocks and rings again) The porter is too proud To open. Ho! Within! (faintly) PER. (suddenly opening the door and startling Tresham, Percy is very stout) Who calls so loud? TRES. Pity the sorrows of a poor young man, Whose trembling limbs have brought him to your door, Who asks you— PER. Sure, I’ve heard that voice before! You’re not a stranger- TRES. No; quite wisey-worsey. (discovers himself by removing his hat). PER. Tresham! So thin! TRES And Percy, still so Pursy! PER. Drop pursy-nal remarks on friends before you, I haven’t seen you since last time I saw you. TRES You’re glad to see me? PER (agitated) Yes, I’m glad you’ve found me. (Tresham wants to embrace him.) Ah, it’s no use your trying to get round me! TRES But you can take me in. PER (uncomfortably) If you insist I— TRES Listen to my story-List, Oh, List! ‘Tis now about three years ago I fell in love with my Lord Mounteagle’s sister Ellen— You’re not attending. PER Not! My heart you touch— Proceed! Your story interests me much. TRES The family are proud— PER. But they, no doubt, Opened their doors to you— TRES To kick me out— My wife and me. They will not see my face. PER Poor Tresham! TRES Yes a most dis-tresham case! CATE (within L. H.) Percy! Hollo! (Percy starts.) TRES Who’s that? PER Some friends of mine. Who’ve just dropp’d in to-to-in fact, to dine. TRES Dinner! What memories that word recalls. Of gay and festive scenes and marble halls! The mullet red, and potage a la reine, The sherry wine, the sparkling gay champagne! Scenes of my childhood too, so pure and holy, When my ambition reached to roley-poley, And naught beyond! PER In fact, you’re hungry? TRES Vary. PER In there (pointing to arbour R.) You’ll find some sandwiches and sherry. TRES Bless you! CATE (and others within L.H.) Ho! Percy! (he starts) TRES You are nervous. Why? PER I hear a voice within. TRES (hungrily), And so do I. Sherry and sandwiches! I come! I come! (Exit into arbour, where he is seen eating and drinking voraciously, and subsequently falling fast asleep.) PER Now for my friends (about to exit L.H.) (Enter Catesby.) Catesby!— CATE My worthy chum, T’was rather warm within by your large fire, So out of doors we’re going to conspire. (Enter Sir Everard Digby, Rookwood., Wright senior, Wright junior, Keyes L.H. from house. They come down to music, and with a separate action; then all form in front in attitude.) Catesby Wright, sen. Percy Wright, jun. Rookwood Keyes Digby R. C. L. . CATE Then we’re agreed KEY (undecidedly) Hear! Wr. Jun. (Laughingly) Hear! Wr. Sen(dolefully) Hear! PER (puffily) Hear! ROOK (basso Profundo) Hear! DIG (Alto) hear! CATE King James must fall! PER Exactly so. CATE But how? KEY (as before) True! How? Wr. Jun. (as before) Yes—how? Wr. Sen (ditto) Ah! How? CATE (thoughtfuly) How? PER (puffily) How? ROOK How? (stamps on Digby’s foot) DIG (in pain) Ow CATE I’ve got it, (all step forward to hear and he disappoints them) No. PER Take care: we’re watched, I see A head. (They separate R. and L., and a head appears moving along the top of the wall s if the person to whom it belongs was standing up in a moving boat below.) Catesby Wright, sen. Percy Wright, jun. Rookwood Keyes Digby R. C. L. . CATE ( drawing his sword) And eye-come up. (Cate. R. and Per. L. rush to the wall and seize and arm each of the person below: he jumps over the wall, and stands in attitude between them- Chord- it is Winter.) WIN Which I is me. PER My steward Winter! in the plot, CATE You meant He is "the winter of our discontent." WIN That’s one to you, my friend; but, all the same, I won’t have any puns upon my name; For after Hook’s good joke all else are tame. "Winter’a a man," said he, "who won’t stand flummery. Winter’s his name but his proceeding’s summary." That’s once for all. And now to business; I’ve Hit on the man to keep the game alive— A Spaniard, who will do, but never talks (another figure, entirely enveloped in a cloak which conceals his face during the next line, takes Winter’s hand and slowly ascends, so as to be on the parapet when Winter finishes his speech.) Allow me to present to you Guy Fakes, (Guy throws off the cloak and stands on parapet C. Chord-all strike attitudes.) Guy Catesby Winter Wright, sen. Percy Wright, jun. Rookwood Keyes Digby
WIN Catesby will introduce you. GUY (darkly, coming down C.) If you please. CATE This first conspirator is Mr. Keyes, (They bow.) GUY Skeleton Keyes—he looks so thin. Wr. Jun. Ha! Ha! CATE Master Wright, junior, this is— GUY Wright you are! CATE Wright senior, GUY Glad I’ve seen yer (bows, then turns and looks towards the two L.H.) These— PER (politely) I’ve thought of it— Rookwood and Digby. GUY. That’s the long and short of it. Are these all the conspirators you’ve got? I can’t say I think much of the whole lot. But still I pledged myself to aid your movements, And help you in some Westminster improvements. I have a grand idea! I can’t speak louder. (They come down, Tresham is distinctly seen fast asleep in the arbour R. H. ) Buy barrels— CATE Yes, of oysters GUY No, of powder, which will, when in a lighted match you shove, Be hoister barrels for the folks above. All (In their different styles) Ha! Ha! GUY You know where Winter is a dweller! ALL Yes. GUY In his shop there is—there is—a seller. WIN Behind the counter when I’m there. GUY Will you Be quiet. But there is a cellar, too, Beneath it, which an opening affords. To the dark vaults beneath the House of Lords— Then, piff! CATE Who’ll do it? (They turn to one another.) ROOK (basso) No, not I! DIG (alto) I shan’t. PER. I’m so afraid of fireworks, I can’t (All shake their heads.) GUY What, call yourselves conspirators? I smile At all your fears—just make it worth my while. Round with the hat, and the result will show. (Winter at once goes round with the hat.) If you’ll encourage the performance (Digby won’t give) Oh! Come, twopence more, and up the donkeys go. (Digby gives the additional twopence and Winter returns the hat to Guy.) For a beginning this is pretty fair, We’ll part to meet again, but first we’ll swear! Grand Conspirators’ Chorus- ("Les Hugeunots," abbreviated). GUY We swear! We swear! oh, we don’t care. We swear, we care not what we swear, We dare to swear to dare, we swear we dare To do anything that we swear That we swear, That we swear. ALL (Chords-then imitating roll of drum) Rum ti tum ti tum tum. All (Chords again-then imitating roll of drum) Rum ti tum ti tum tum. Rum ti tum. TRES (yawning and waking slowly) Ya! (sings the cadenza. All look at one another puzzled, then as if they were thoroughly satisfied as to what they were going to do, they begin to steal off R. and L. singing pianissimo). Rum-tum Rum tum. (Wright, jun, Wright,sen, Cates going R. Percy, Rookwood, Digby, Guy R., Winter L.C., going stealthily towards harbour R., Guy gets R. of Tresham, Winter L. of him. The with the final rush they bring him between them down to the front-all draw their swords-Tableau.) GUY You’ve heard— TRES No- nothing—I have been asleep. GUY Nothing! WIN Then swear you will our secret keep. CATE He’ll join our enterprise. (they threaten him.) TRES. I will, I vow. GUY (Taking one hand, R.) Then come! WIN (Ditto, L.) TRES I beg you’ll let me go home now. (Percy goes L. and gives orders at door to servant.) I left my lodgings, sir, without a key, And I’ve a wife who’s sitting up for me. She’ll be so tired and so cross (to Guy) -- don’t frown. GUY (Sneeringly) Tired of sitting up! Let her sit down, and wait till you have finished with our band. CATE Oh! Bother sitting, what’s he going to stand. (Re-enter Servant L.H. with cups of wine.) Here’s wine that’s long been on my cellar’s shelves. As he’s enlisted we’ll recruit ourselves with this. Wr. Jun. And if I may add this much more, That as we can be seen from yonder shore— A fact that makes me, my worthy father, tremble— Wouldn’t it be just as well to dissemble? GUY The junior councils right, and gentle Guido, Myself, will spiritedly take the lead oh. Song and Chorus (In the following song every one on the stage commences a movement like rising in stirrups when trotting, keeping exact time. Each singer, as he takes his solo, dances while singing, and during the chorus dances round. In the second verse the two who sing dance round together, and so on until the four solo singers are dancing in the C., the others keeping up the movement throughout.) Air-"Captain Jinks, of the Horse-marines." GUY- My name’s Guy Fawkes, I come from Spain, For reasons which I won’t explain, I’ve tried my luck in the Spanish main, And I’ve been a swell in the army. I never lose the slightest chance, Slightest chance, Slightest chance. The Spanish ladies loved to dance With me, the pet of the army. Ha! Ha! Ha! GUY for I’m Guy Fawkes,&c. WIN He’s Guy Fawkes &c, CATE I am a bold conspirator, I love to hear the cannon roar, If I am twenty miles or more Away from the gallant army. Wr, jun. And as for me, I’d rather dance Rather dance Rather dance Instead of fight, for I’d not chance Being shot by a gallant army. BOTH Ha! Ha! Ha! Yes, his name’s Guy Fawkes, &c. CHORUS Yes, his name’s &c. (All three dance during chorus and keep moving.) TRES (dancing) I’m now a bold conspirator, I’ve left at home my Ellinor, And she’ll sit up to open the door, A sight which will alarm me, I am disowned by her mamma, Her mamma, Her mama, I’ve been kicked out by her papa, And brother who’s in the army, Oh! Oh! Oh! He’s got me here to sing a tune, For he’s the Fawkes and I’m the spoon, I knew ‘twould ruin me as soon As I knew a man in the army. General dance, and scene closes on Tableau of Kayes Wr, sen. Wr. Jujn. Guy Tres Wint. Cates Percy Rook. Digby. R. C L
Scene II. –Tresham’s Lodgings. Window C. Door L.C. Enter Ellinor L. H. ELL Oh, why did Tresham marry me? Why did he? I might as well be now a wretched widdy for anything I see of him. My Walter, since the black day you took me to the altar. We met, it was in secret at the Minster. You’ve taken so yourself to alter, I Can only sit at home to cry, and dry the dew drops trickling from my once bright eye. (opens window and looks out.) There goes the London milk fresh from the pump, His step! The step which used to make me jump, And make my young fresh heart to beat begin, Now (stumbling on stairs heard without) I will make him jump when he comes in. (enter Tresham disorderly D. F.) So you’re intoxicated, Mister Tresham. TRES It is my feelings, and I can’t expressh’m; For being in a weakish state of health, Arising from decided want of wealth, And then a little goes a longish way And--- (vaguely) ELL (sharply) Well— TRES I’ve said what I was going to say. I musn’t go and tell her that I’ve got A secret, or she’ll soon know all the plot. ELL the plot! What plot? I do not like the sound of plots— TRES I only meant a plot of ground. ELL What, to be let for building? TRES Oh, no doubt. No. This is not a plot to be let out. ELL Your manner’s very strange. TRES No! It’s my fun- Don’t scold. ELL Don’t scold! You stop out late to sup, And then expect me not to blow you up. TRES (jumping violently) Blow up! Ha! Ha! ELL. What is it! TRES (hazily aside) Has she kno’d. ELL It seems when I blow up that you explode. TRES Explode! Ha! Ha! Away! I can’t explain (rushing to door. Ellinor stands against it.) ELL You may explode; but don’t go off again. TRES What, will a wife her lawful husband stop? ELL Yes! And not scorn to use the household mop. (brandishes mop which she gets from R. H.) TRES What made you think of that—‘twill not avail. ELL I thought of mop ‘cos you’re a little pale. TRES Your violence does not become our attic. ELL this situation tho’ am-operatic, Where do you want to go? TRES My head is wizzy. Your brother- Lord Monteagle- say where is he? ELL He goes to Court to-day; but why? TRES (at window) Oh see! Isn’t he walking down the street? ELL ‘Tis he! I’d tell him anywhere. TRES And yet I fear I cannot tell him anywhere from here the thing! (scribbles on his wristband and tears it off) Ah writing is a great invention— Next, to attract the noble lord’s attention. We’re not on speaking terms; this pot of mint Is mint to give him just a gentle hint (throws it out). MOU (without) Hallo! ELL What’s happened? TRES Ah, I cannot tell. ELL It’s brought him down. TRES (listening) And fetched him up as well, I hear him coming up the stairs my dear. Mounteagle mustn’t know that we are here. (Tresham drops paper on floor. They hide, Ellinor R. Tresham L. Enter Mounteagle R. C. D.) MOU I hope I don’t intrude; there is no lock, But I did not walk in without a knock— A pretty hard one too (shows his hat smashed) And what I say is for the damage you will have to pay. Is no one here—Hallo! There’s no one there. I waste my sweetness on the desert air; I thought, perhaps, some pretty little creechar wanted Mounteagle to slip up and teach her some better manners than she seems to know, for though the loveliest ladies choose to throw their glances at me, yet they never got so far as "throwing in" a flower pot, and looked at as affection’s offering warm, I’d rather that it took some other form. Talking of forms, no sort of seats or chairs I see, and such a wretched flight of stairs! This is the sort of two-pair back, I fancy, Where poets sing they’d live and die with Nancy. "In the Strand! In the strand! In the Strand!" No carpet on the floor. This, I imagine, is what is let out both as board and lodgin. A funnier thing I never saw before, No paper on the walls, but on this floor (picks it up) A note? Ah! In her hurry ‘twas let fall, I am a Don Giovanni after all. (Enter at D. in V. R. C. Wright, jun., and Catesby with daggers, they go L. and R. stealthily.) I don’t know what there is about my features, but I am followed by the loveliest creatures. (Wright, jun., is seized L. by Tresham. Catesby by Ellinor, R.) I don’t know what they see in me for liking, something about me though that’s rather striking. (Wright and Catesby aim at him, but are quietly prevented as above.) MOU. (reads) "To Lord Mounteagle,"-this is very nice, She knows—odd-- she calls me "Dear Spring Rice, Advice to people who’re about to go To Parliament upon the Ffifth of No- Vember in one short word, which word is don’t. At present I cannot say more, so won’t. So recollect, to somebody you owe one." ‘Tis sent by nobody and signed by no one. The meaning’s dim—I wonder if King Jimmy could read the meaning. Demme! It is dimmy, I see a use for it; this is the thing With which I’ll get the favour of the King— Then he’ll reward me with the hand of Alice, with whom I am in love—she’s at the palace, And she-- no matter-- to him in the middle of all his Court I’ll make him read this riddle. Song Air-Original (Bis.) Of this I can’t make light, So darkly ‘tis expresst— I’ll put it in the right Small pocket of my vest. (end Bis.) Fair Alice will be mine, If I my game can make; The King shall read the line, And I am wide awake Ah! My wife at last she’ll be, Still beaming, still beaming, Beaming on me. (Exit to symphony by door R. C. as the others, dancing to same symphony—Enter Catesby and Tresham L., Wright, jun. And Ellinor R.) Air Jemmy Riddle. Wr. Jun. Oh, you should have let me strike, Tre. No, indeed I didn’t like. CATE. You’d have been and gone and ruined ev’ry pretty little plan— But what was he doing here? ELL. Why he called on me, my dear, But we said that we were out because we’ve cut the little man. CATE But it seems he came to get a sort of billet-doux or letter. TRES. Which was dropped by some young creature from the upper floor above. ELL. When he says the upper floor, he goes and tells another story. But deceiver ever, ever, is the man I love. ALL. I’d have caught him in the middle And his jacket I would riddle, and with my sword, I’d diddle, Any I don’t love. Wr. Jun. Now then Tresham come away, TRES. We’ve arrangements for the day (explaining ot his wife) Which are all made in a method systematical-
ELL Oh, you fill me with alarms If you tear him from my arms, In a style that’s nothing better than piratical. CATE. S’pose you calls yourself a Wenus, If you dare to come between us f rom my dagger he shall stagger, with a gentle little shove. ELL. ‘Tis all mystery and riddle, They will hit him in the middle, and they’ll manage for to diddle me of my true love. (Dance-Ellinor attempting to prevent Tresham being taken off by Catesby and Wright, jun.—Exeunt Catesby, Wright, jun, and Tresham between them by door R.C.-Exit Ellinor L.) Scene III.- Interior of the King’s Chamber in the Plalace View of the Royal bed. Lord Chamberlain, Sir Thomaas Knyvet, Earl of Marr, Duke of Lennox, Royal bagpipers &c., are present. View of the Royal bed. CHA The royal James is now about to rise (trumpets) The Royal James is opening his eyes (trumpets) The Royal James another turn is taking (bagpipes) And after the Royal James is waking (trumpets) The royal James in dreaming bliss is soaring- (tremendous snore.) The Royal James you may observe is snoring: Another turn the Royal James will take-(bagpipes) JAM. Get out! (suddenly hitting out from underneath the clothes.) CHA. The Royal James is wide awake. JAM. Quite wide awake we always are. CHA. (aside) I quake. JAM Don’t think that you’re assisting at a wake— That’s treason: and a prison you’d be quick in— But see that we are all alive and kicking. Ye dinna ken my meaning that I see. CHA. Bring in the dinner for his Majestee. JAM. Breakfast CHA My sire said dinner, JAM. Do not botch My orders. CHA I’m not up to Royal Scotch. JAM Aint you? Indeed! As says the Roman poet— A line I’ll not repeat, as you don’t now it— Or as the Greek historian tersely wrote, You don’t know Greek, and so I shall not quote, But send a messenger to search the place For my young ward. CHA Artimus Ward? JAM No, Alice, (exit a Page R. H.) To whom I stand as the phrase goes in loco Parentis, and she’s got to bring my cocoa, Now where’s my barber? (Enter Mounteagle L.) MOU. Sire, my liege, a favour. JAM I want my barber, who is this young shaver? SAL My Lord Mounteagle. JAM Didn’t I forbid You to approach our presence? MOU. Yes you did. JAM (excited) Then gang you muckle Scots wha wee. MOU Your Scotch, my liege; is double-Dutch to me. JAM Hout, tout, my laird— MOU. I have both rhyme and reason For coming here. JAM And what’s your rhyme? MOU ‘Tis Treason! (Chord – All start.) JAM Treason! To quote a poet you’ll find that in Virgil—who says- But there you don’t know Latin. We’ve an old copy, in black letter ‘tis. MOU The blackest letter you can see is this; (showing the letter). But if the plot I’m able to discover, Let me my liege be the accepted lover (Enter Alice R. H. with cup.) Of this fair lady.
ALI (suddenly kneeling) Yes, my liege. Oh do. JAM Ye cleking clanty jade, you’ve wet me through (All Court kneel.) ALI Your gracious Majesty the slip will pardon. JAM. Ye dinna ken, each yard cost twopence farden. (to Lord Chamberlain, who laughs.) How dare you laugh. CHA I chuckle. JAM. ‘Tis too muckle— it Is too much cocoa, we don’t want your chuckle it. You seem, sir, to forget our state is regal: Now for that thingummy, my Lord Mounteagle. We’ll let you know its meaning when its read, But this requires brains (striking his forehead) MOU. (aside) He means his head. (King coughs-all attend) JAM. Well now, this means-p’raps this has not struck you- That this note means-means-something. MOU Which it do. JAM It evidently means-it means-Lord Marr, It means- MAR. O nothing. JAM What an ass you are. You’re on old Gran’ Marr-- no don’t try again Salisbury takes it, make it, Salisbury plain— He can’t. Now, Lennox, do not scratch your crown— Take it away, he’s got it upside down. Sir Thomas Knyvet, you will find it out— Sir T. I will, if I once know what it’s about. JAM. And these are Privy Councilors! (to Alice) You take it. ALI- It means—whatever, sir, you chose to make it. JAM. This letter in full council shall be read, And, if still bothered, I will go to bed And sleep upon it, as I’ve done before— I shall retire by my private door. With a quotation to end my harangue, As all the ancient Roman poets sang, As the old Grecian Homer sang-then why Shouldn’t I sing as well as they? I’ll try. Song and Chorus. Alice James Chamb. Mount. Marr Salis. Lennox Knyvet Air—"The King of Trumps." There’s a science they call phrenology, Much studied by learned frumps, For explaining, I’ll make no apologies, That it only treats of bumps. And character from writing, too, some read they’re very wise, But to this letter there’s no "head", and no dots above the eyes. Bumps! Bumps! Bumps! If I could be down on his bumps I soon would find out What a man’s about If ever I was down on his bumps. ALI The king he likes cocoa, or takes his tea When out of his bed he jumps; I know that the taste of his Majesty Is cream, and a couple of lumps. He likes the sugar that I bring as one of the elite. And that is my office near the king, chief lady of his suite. Lumps! Lumps! Lumps! When out of his bed he jumps He looks to me for his cup of tea, And isn’t he nuts on his lumps. ALL Lumps! Lumps! MOU To me in this court they all appear To be a set of pumps And the only thing that sounds quite clear Is the flourish of the Trumps. I’ve a proposal which I know Will please our Scottish king; Allow me out a hint to throw— Let’s dance a Highland fling. Trumps! Trumps! Trumps! For dancing we’ve got our pumps; While pipers all to work shall fall, We’ll follow the king with Trumps! (Chord-Bagpipes strike up. Grand Highland fling by all the characters-Exeunt omnes.) (Mysterious music. Enter Guy by trap.) GUY These palaces are full of curious holes; I’ve come up from below among the coals. The vault beneath an easy walk affords Up to the Palace from the House of Lords; So I, the demagogue of a democracy, Am in the chambers of the aristocracy, To whom I bear the very deepest malice, Except to one-the lovely maiden (Enter Alice R.H.) Alice! ALI And did I hear my name pronounced? GUY Yes. ALI Lawks! It can’t be! GUY Yes, it can. ALI What! Mister Fawkes! When I last saw you— GUY Yes, that was in Spain. Isn’t it pleasant thus to meet again? ALI How did you come here? GUY Come here? (aside) Shall I tell her? ALI Of course you entered by a- GUY By a-- cellar. ALI What! Working in the earth like little moles? Why do you look so black? GUY Oh, that’s the coals. "Come where my love lies dreaming!" –no, I mean Come with me to another change of scene, For you I’ll give up all my aspirations, My companies and various speculations; For you, if you’ll grow gentler, and not harsher, I’ll sacrifice my beard and my monstacher! ALI That hair a sacrifice! GUY And while it grows Upon the chin and underneath the nose We’ll hide ourselves-this a too lovely dream is— Say in Circassia, whereCircassian Cream is; Or, wrapped in one another, seek cold regions Where grizzly bears and seals come out in legions: The seals would furnish us with cloaks a-piece, The bear would furnish both our hairs with grease; The tortoise we would kill to make a comb;- You like the picture? ALI No, I’ll stay at home— I hate you. GUY Oh, impossible. But why? ALI How can you ask it, you are such a guy. GUY My! If I have a rival, like a beagle. I’ll hunt him down. Who is he? (Enter Mounteagle R. She shakes off Guy and rushes to Mounteagle.) ALI Ah! Mounteagle, This is a picture and I see him! drawing (music melodramatic to end) GUY Oh! What remorse behind my vest is gnawing!
MOU. He shan’t escape. GUY I will, upon the leads, Into another country— MOU Where to? GUY Beds! (He runs and jumps right through the curtains and disappears, At the same minute the King, who has gone to bed again, sits up in alarm and rings the bell, Enter Guards, who seize Mounteagle L. H., while Alice faints in Lord Chamberlain’s arms R.- Tableau.)
Scene IV -- Exterior of Winter’s Shop. Small coal and potatoe salesman, and general dealer. Door. L./C. Enter Catesby and Tresham L. CATE. Here is the shop, and we are near the time— Call Winter TRES With a little pantomime. You be the pantaloon and I the clown, I’ll first knock at his door, and then lie down. CATE. Practiced in real life ‘twould be a measure Which would make business a pursuit of pleasure. Tre. Of raps and knocks you needn’t be a stinter, Warm work—but I am wrapping up for Winter. (Music-Tresham knocks at the door. Catesby goes up on the R. of door. Winter enters. Can’t see anyone. Shakes his fist and retires. Tresham knocks again and lies down. Winter enters, suddenly falls over him, Catesby picks him up in the usual fashion. They give and take the smacks backwards and forwards, and then stop. Catesby R., Wnter C., Tresham L.) WIN Well, I feel better after that. CATE But where Is Guido Fawkes? WIN Down in the cellar there (Winter begins cleaning his windows busily.) With powder, pistols, daggers, dirks, and swords. TRES. The King comes in procession to the Lords At twelve o’clock. CATE Yes, and this way he passes. WIN That’s why I take such pains to clean my glasses. The show comes by, to get a view of it Each citizen will pay who comes to sit. A better window, if you were to pick it, You couldn’t choose—"To Let"-- see, that’s the ticket. (Exhibits a large ticket—"To View the Procession To Let- A FIRST CLASS WIDOW.") CATE. A first-class widow. TRES There’s no "N," and he Has been and turned the G into a C. WIN(who has hung it up) Bosh! By omitting "N," and changing "G". I turn the letters into L. S. D. I only want the card to be attractive— So now young Tresham look alive, be active And fetch the first form you can lay your hand on—(exit Tresham into shop.) Penny a-head, my boy, for folks to stand on. CATE Of course, you know, that that’s the form that pays From the experiences of former days. (re-enter TRESham, and places form in front of window Begins rubbing it.) WIN Come to the vault, or Guy will think we’re lost. CATE Soft! Winter! or if not ‘twill be a frost. (Exuent into shop.) TRES These villains, I work for them like a nigger. (Enter Ellinor, R., in a walking dress.) ELL Ah here’s a form-- pray man what is your figure? TRES. (L.) Ellinor- ELL (R.) Tresham (falls suddenly into his arms-drum.) TRES Hi! You’re none so leany! She drops down like a doll in fantoccinni. ELL Walter, it seems that I at last have found you— TRES It does look like it. ELL Now I will surround you. Ah, for your conduct, Walter, I must blush, Yes, I know all. TRES Then Hush! ELL I will not hush. Traitor! TRES (trying to smile) And who that funny notion gave you? ELL It is original. I’ve come to save you: In desperate chances hitherto you’ve raffled, Think of your wife, our noble house, the scaffold. TRES A scaffold. (shivers violently) Near my house-when once begun, You don’t know when the workmen will have done. ELL Think of the nuisance, if you’ve any nous, Avoid an execution in the house. TRES I can’t go back. ELL Now look me in the face, Isn’t there some young female in the case (he turns away, and she sees the placard.) Ha! TRES From those premises a false deduction. (She rushes towards it as if about to jump on the form and tear it down. Enter L. the policemen, Topcliffe.) TOP Move on, you are creating an obstruction. TRES You carry this with a high voice. TOP Well, if I speak so treble, know, I’m the Top –cliffe. Here’s the procession coming. (Enter Mounteagle, L. H.) ELL (C.) (Aside) Can I smother My feelings (Tresham,R.) TOP Here, stand back. ELL (Swinging Topcliffe round to Tresham-he bonnets Tresham with his staff, and takes him up.) Mounteagle! Brother! MOU My sister, Mrs. Tresham, we are "cuts." ELL But now— TRES But now-I will (butts into Topcliffe, and crosses to ELLinor, R.c.- Topcliffe, R., doubled up.) MOU (fearing that Ellinor is preparing to d the same thing) Butt me no butts! TRES (R.C.) No buts, but barrels. MOU (crossing from L. to C., leaving Ellinor L.) Ah! TRES You come with me, And you shall see-in fact, what you shall see (puts the form indoors) TOP (going to Mounteagle) Take care, my lord, that you are not deceived, For, from the information I’ve received- MOU Tipstaff (giving him money), be silent. (Topcliffe retires to R., Tresham comes down R. C., Mounteagle takes their hands.) Yes—we’ll go and see it. ELL There’s lots of powder- TRES Yes, on their heads be it! MOU The time? TOP Twelve-thirty-- Bradshaw, MOU (angrily to him) Speak again And— (Topcliffe touches his hat.) Bradshaw! There is still time to stop the train. (Music—Tresham leads them to door, bows them in politely, Mounteagle being shoved aside by Ellinor, who walks in first, then Mounteagle, then Topcliffe. Tresham then steals off. Topcliffe re-opens the door, comes after, catches, and brings him back.—Exeunt through door._ Song Air. –"She danced like a Fairy." MOU You tell me of traitors, of plots, and of foes— ELL . Yes; who’d suppose! TRES (cautiously) Nobody knows. MOU And of Gunpowder which up the Parliament blows, ‘Tis extremely unpleasant if true. I hate all these horrid surprises, I do, Tho’ dramatic effects they may be, I hate your sensational crisis, I do, Dear Alice and quiet for me! She trips like a fairy And sings like a bird Which is absurd, If, on my word. You thought a canary She was, when you’d heard. Her go up to twice treble E. Chorus—She trips, &c. Snd Verse. ELL My tears they flow fast as I think of my woes— Right down my nose Drop on my toes. I once was a beauty with gallant beaux Buit that was before matri-mo-nee. TOP We all have our sorrows, mine were in this way; A cook in a house near a mews I lov’d, took my wittles there three time a day, Then she married a chap in the Blues. She lived in an airy, And I was the third To whom it occurred Which I’d never heard She doated on soldiers It seems so absurd To take up with militaree. Chorus-She lived in, &c. 3rd Verse. TRES I shake like an aspen to think of the plot, Turn cold and hot, Fear I’ll be shot, Con-spi-ra-tors are such a horrible lot, They don’t care two-pence what they do; If I ply my eye as a spy upon Guy— And if my little game he should see, If Guy should cry "Why?" I can try no reply, But must sail to Ameri-kee. And then in a prairie I’ll hop like a bird (imitates like a bird) Oh how absurd That is the word. And like a canary Or parrot co-loured, I’ll live upon grounsel, and seed. Chorus—And then in, &c. (all hopping and flapping their arms like bird’s wings. ) Scene V.- The cellar. Guy discovered seated on the top of a barrel C., with his knees drawn up to his chin and his arms clasping his knees. His lantern is on the ground with his bundle of matches. GUY (looking about very nervously and shuddering) It wants a constitution that’s much stronger Than mine to stand this sort of thing much longer. Of all the beastly places-ugh! What’s that? If I hate anything it is a rat. Ah! But I hate black beetles worser still, they’re just the sort of creatures I can’t kill; That’s why I’ve sat up here for hours or more, Because the brutes are swarming on the floor. I wish the t’other blackguards would appear-- Aha! Here’s Winter, with the dinner beer. CATE (looking in) Are you at home? GUY Hallo! What’s that—a scout? CATE A friend who doesn’t want to find you out. (enter Catesby with Wright, jun.) (All carry lanterns in this scene until the lights are full up; Guy’s is the biggest.) GUY I’m sick and ill with stopping here. (coming gradually off the barrel). CATE (R.) Oh, No! Or to Guy’s hospital you’ll have to go. GUY (taking a long breath) No rats! We ought to have a cat about. WR. Jun. (L.) We’d better not; some one might let it out. GUY (Nervously) Who’s that? CATE ‘Tis Winter, who’ll the dinner bring. (Winter jumps in suddenly.) GUY Yes, it is Winter, coming with a spring (clock.) WIN The clock strikes one upon the Abbey towers— Each hour’s a day until the day is ours. CATE Success! (filling and drnking) Wr. Jun . Our healths! (ditto) GUY Give me a glass of wine, The day’ll be ours through this plan of mine. (Whistle Business as before) (Enter Tresham) Tresham Guy Winter Wright Jun Catesby
TRES Good morning, Guy! I’ve just dropped in to say The king and Court are now upon their way. The house will sit at two o’clock. GUY But it’s likely that it will rise before it sits. Your health. (Tresham and Guy hob and nob.) And after that, my lips I"ll wipe, And then proceed to light the cheerful pipe. TRES (trembling) Don’t , or you’ll send us all up to the moon. WIN (to him, while Guy obstinately commences with his pipe) You’re worse than Mr. Green in a balloon. CATE Although he’s bold and careless in demeanour, Yet if he lights that pipe, he will be greener. Wr. Jun. Bah! Let’s be jolly. Come, a song. GUY You fellers Remember you’re not in the Cyder Cellars. CATE (to Winter who is about to light his pipe) Don’t strike another match or else, I’m thinking, We’ll all go up to Evan’s like winking. Wr. Jun. Now, How about this song? GUY All right, young chap, We’ll sing, and you shall do the cellar flap. Conspirator’s Jovial Song-(Steps during the entire song) Air—"The Ticket-of-Leave." CATE Oh, old King Cole was a jolly old soul, (step) As jolly as could be, (step) But you and I in a conspiracy, Are just as jolly as he. Wr. Jun. We’re charmed to meet each other here That is evident to me; But if found out, ‘tis more than clear, Transported we shall be. WIN Well, then, if that’s their little game (step) Our object we’ll achieve, (step) For we’ll come back just about the same, But-- with a ticket-of-leave. TRES Oh, should they make me work the mill (step) Or grind away at cranks(step) I’ll think there are some my place would fill In companies and banks. If off to prison I’m packed with care They’ll give me bed and board, And I’d very much prefer a lodging there To visit to the Casual Ward. But no one knows my little game (step) But greatness I’ll achieve, And one of these days, I’ll enlist in the Greys, And—return with a ticket –of-leave. GUY Better to be a conspirator (step) Than a sniveling area sneak (step) Whom they take up "like a bird" before The Marl-bo-rough-street beak. And if "like a bird" in the cage I sup, Still I shall have my laugh, For I’ll have kept my pecker up And fed the beak on chaff. They may whistle for me when I hop the twig (Step) If I can’t, I’ll the lot deceive, For next Derby Day I’d back a Grey, And call him the Ticket of Leave. (They all do the step together-finish in attitude, then knock their glasses on the barrels.) CATEs We’ll go out and report. (Exeunt Catesby and Wrightt, jun. Melodramatic music to the end.) GUY No more delaying— Now we’ll soon set our barrel organs playing; The train is laid. I’ll rouse the slumbering crater. GUY is preparing his match-Winter is standing by a large barrel, H.) TRES (R. Not if I know it. (He rushes to Guy and struggles with him.) Help! (Winter is drawing his sword as Mounteagle and Guards, and Topcliffe rush in. ) MOU Arrest him! (Winter jumps into the barrel, L.H. and from it crosses swords with Mounteagle) GUY (c. with pistol and match lighted.) Traitor! (Guy has shaken off Tresham, who has run behind the barrel C. immediately.- Tableau.) (All the Blue guards are trembling, and so is Topcliffe.) GUY The play’s played out! Ha! Ha! Ha! We’ll all go Pop! Here ends the Act. (He is about to apply the flaming match to the powder when Tresham springs forward from behind the barrel, holding the quart pot out of which he had been previously drinking. With his left hand he seizes Guy’s hand, and with the right dashes the beer over the match and train.) TRES (As above) And here comes down the drop. (Terrific combat.) (Guy fights Tresham, Topclife and guards-one guard after another falls in different attitudes. Mounteagle is entirely occupied with Winter in the barrel, he can’t get at him. At last all the police are hors de combat- Topcliffe is holding on by the R.C. barrel, and hitting out with his staff vaguely at nothing. Tresham is beaten on one knee, and Guy is about to dispatch him when Ellinor rushes in, and, with a policeman’s staff, suddenly hits Guy on the head. Guy collapses. At the same moment Winter’s legs come through the side of the barrel, and his arms out as Monteagle runs the barrel through with his sword.) Scene VI.- Islington, Traitor’s Hill. (Wright, sen., R.C., enters, followed by Rookwood, Digby,Keyes and Percy.) PER (R.C.) How cold it is, this waiting. I’ve no notion why we don’t hear or see the grand explosion. I thought by now some newsboy would have brought the latest Parliamentary report. (Enter Wright, jun., L.) Speak, sister speak! Is the deed done? Wr. Jun. (c.) Here’s a go! Here’s a go! I’ve cut and run; That’s all I know I’ve flown here quick— Wr. Sen. As if some one had kicked yer. Wr, jun. And how can I describe to you the picture of Guy Fawkes— Wr. Sen. Picture? Wr. Jun. Yes, I left him making ready to sit, and by this time he’s taken. ALL Horror! Oh, horror! (Enter Tresham-crosses to L.C.) TRES Quite so! How d’ye do? What that young gentleman has said is true; And so, you see, our little speculation has not quite realized our expectation. Well, accidents will happen. We weren’t wise to calculate so much upon a rise. PER. There’s yet a chance that things may take a turn. TRES One turn, yes, to wind up the whole concern. (They consult L. and R.) (Aside) And out of this a fortune still I see, Could I be made official assignee. Wr. Jun. You’re speaking like a lawyer, so we wait for your advice. TRES Then give me six-and eight and I will favor you with my opinion— Give it me! (Enter Catesby L. and down C., between Wright, sen., who is about to give money to Tresham-Chord) Wright, sen Catesby Tresham Wright Jun., &c R. C. L. Cate Give it him! Don’t trust the minion! He’d get you in a net—don’t pay the debt. TRES That is his flower of speech-- that minion-net. (Crosses to L. quietly.) CATE Ah! Of your misplaced friendship I’ll soon cure you— He is a spy! (Digby steps between Tresham, and exit--) TRES (L.) He’s joking, I assure you. Now, if I was a spy should I come here without the slightest evidence of fear? Or if I was betraying you for pelf, Shouldn’t I very soon betray myself? (aside) I’ll do the palm trick (getting money ready) And the pass (aloud to Digby) My dear long friend (gives money. Digby tries it.) DIG A bad un, which you don’t pass here. CATE Reduce him to a ghost. PER A ghost? CATE Be still! Prepare your dirks and pepper him. All We will! CATE (beckons to Tresham) Tresham! (he approaches him) The villain dies! (all suddenly look blankly at one another) How now you braggers? PER Somehow, we’ve all forgot to bring our daggers. (Music-Enter Winter L.H. He is very pale and his hair stands rigidly on end all over his head.) CATE Speak, nervous party, speak. We’re anxious listeners. WIN (staggering across to C. in horror—panic seizes everyone.) Here’s a policeman coming! (falls into Rookwood’s arms, &c) (Enter Topcliffe jauntily, L.H.) TOP You’re my prisoners. ALL (kneeling suddenly) We are! We are! TOP I know you are, of course, Observe the season of our moral Force. We’ll deal with you, we’re very gentle dealers, As orange-men who’re taken up by peelers. I overawes them with my cold, precise, eye— And says with Caesar- Weni, Widi, Wici, Or as the rattlesnake enchains the chicken, And tells him that it is no use his kickin’ So I’m the snake who’ve won this easy battle, and you’re the chick who’ll listen to my rattle. (Produces policeman’s rattle) I am a rattling chap, with which remark, We’ll go together to St. James’s Park. Don’t move- for that we’ve neither quick nor slow time- I’ve so arranged that we’ll be there in no time. (Springs his rattle. Scene opens, and discovers) Scene VII- St. James’s Park, on the road to the Parliament House. Tableau discovered. Mounteagle C., James L.C., Guy R.C. Seated. By his side behind him Ellinor R. C. Behind James stand Lord Lennox, Lord Salisbury, and Earl of Marr, R. C., at back the three pipers, R; behind Guy, Police. Keyes Wright jun Percy Winter Tresham Mounteagle James Alice Chamberlain Topcliffe Catesby Wright, sen. Rookwood. JAM Yes, let him take one sip to wet his throttle. (Ellinor fills a tankard which she has in her hand; it revives Guy with a draught) TRES Fresh from the rack. ELL Yes, if you mean the bottle. JAM As says the Latin Bard-but as I find you don’t appreciate it, never mind. ALI Something the prisoner would like to say. JAM Well, he is cautioned in the usual way. GUY I am, your worship, spite of what they’ve sworn, s innocent as the babe unborn (winks at Conspirators). I’m a poor lad—that p’liceman hit and shin me— You see, sir, all the Bobbies is agin me. The p’lice got up the charge, sir—lor! They knew on it! They made me fan the flame, and then he (pointing to Topcliffe) blew on it. Look at my lantern jaws! Now can you doubt I’d be the better for a light blow-out? And that was all I meant-- not blowing up, I vos preparing for some friends to sup. MOU The barrels- GUY Beer and oysters- MOU Some of them filled with the best gunpowder— GUY Tea. To bile the pot we’d got our coals and coke- Lor! Anyone could see it was a joke! JAM Off with his head! GUY (to Police) Just for one minute stop with me. Won’t any gentleman exchange a chop with me? (then to the King) My head will satisfy, if taken off? (King assents. Ellinor comes down with tankard R. of Guy.) GUY I’m made for Occasions like the present (takes tankard). This I’ve paid for, Therefore ‘tis mine, to drink before I’m let off; So, to oblige the King, I take my head off (sweeps the foam off the top of the tankard_Chord); Thus satisfy your justice and my thirst. And so, I looks towards you, James the First! (flourish-drinks) King (solemnly) We will be satisfied, upon one ground— That you don’t drink it all, and pass it round. (Chord) Chorus (raising arms as if drinking). Air-"Let the Toast pass." What a sly Fawkes Score up the chalks— Drink to King Jimmy- And drink to Guy Fawkes! (Flourish of trumpets then bagpipes-All stop their ears except King James, Earl of Marr, and Lord Lennox, King James appears as if speaking; no one hears him; at last he turns round angrily and hits one of the pipes in the wind-the bag pops, and the two other players carry out the third- the King then resumes quietly.) JAM Silence! Mounteagle, what I now observe is We’ll give you, to reward your signal service, Somewhere in London-- hang me if we won’t— a grand Equestrian Statue. Mon Oh, please don’t. JAM I see before me Fame in stone GUY And there, after me, I see Fame in Leicester Square. JAM Two I’ll place in the National Museum. ELL Do, sir, for there no one will ever see ‘em. MOU Or, if I am a lion of the day and you would model me, thus I should say— send to Sir Edwin Landseer, and request Him not to hurry, but to do his best. CATE And then ask Dr. Cumming, whom you’ll hear predict the very day that they’ll appear. JAM Are his predictions so correct? TRES He sticks at nothing—any---every date he’ll fix. Coming events he can foretell, and go with certainty—within six thousand years or so. JAM Well, come here—take her—bless you (giving Alice to Guy) GUY Sweetest! (As the king goes up Monteagle stops him L.C.) MOU Who? (James returns and crosses down C.) JAM It’s my mistake. You take her. There-- bless you. GUY Alice King Mounteagle (Then King passes her over to Mounteagle) Guy King Alice Mounteagle MOU When crackling faggots make the bonfire hot, Let prejudice with faggots be faggot, And let tar barrels with their roasting ribs present the only objects for your squibs Let old antipathies in crackers end, And polemics with fire balloons ascend. Henceforth, if you’re requested to remember, As heretofore the Fifth day of November, We ask you, begging for your kindly hand, Please to remember "Guy Fawkes" at the Strand. Finale "You’ll remember me." GUY When coldness in the streets shall strike your chin, Your chin, your nose, and eyes and snowballs, which the dirty little boys like, Shall take you by surprise: When hollow hats shall wear a mask, Though ugly it may be, In such a moment, I but ask, That you’ll remember me. That you’ll remember The fifth of November Was Gunpowder Treason and Plot I see no reason Why gunpowder treason Shall ever be forgot. Chorus ("Tramp, Tramp, Tramp,") Tramp! Tramp! Tramp! The boys are marching Round to the jolliest of tunes; And in November We’ll remember Guy Fawkes, the Ugly Mug, and Spoons. (They carry Guy round in chair.-then form Tableau.)
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